Ten Communication Tips For Intended Parents and Surrogates

January 5, 2019

The relationship between IPs and surrogates can be one of the best parts of your journey, just follow these tips.

Great communication between intended parents and their surrogate starts from day one. Your surrogacy journey is such an exciting time for both surrogates and the intended parents. After the long screening process and finding the right match, now the focus can be on having a happy and healthy pregnancy. But making the most of that doesn’t just mean doctor visits and eating right. There is also the process of making sure that both the surrogate and the intended parents are able to have a communication experience where they are both happy. Here are a few tips on communicating during the process.


One of the biggest secrets to any successful relationship is trust. This is even more apparent in the surrogate-IP relationship. It can be hard to go into any relationship with trust in the beginning. It can be especially hard in the beginning of a surrogacy as intended parents must trust someone they barely know with one of the most precious gifts they will ever receive. But keeping yourself open to trust will help your communication and relationships.

The staff at ISC is committed to matching the right IPs with the right surrogate and we can be as involved in this relationship as much as needed. We facilitate the first few conversations and help both parties start to build trust over time.


Life can often be busy and unpredictable. It is important to make sure that you are willing to be flexible with your expectations. Even in the best of situations things come up that can cause communication issues. Being flexible with each other will help keep yourselves from feeling frustrated or uncertain. It is also important to understand that everyone communicates in different ways and finds some methods easier than others. Being flexible to help accommodate and understand other people’s communication styles can help keep you from feeling left out of the process.


One great communication tip that is often overlooked is the role of empathy in a relationship. Especially a relationship that occurs in surrogacy when so many things are going on. Trying to understand what is going on with the other person will often help communication on both sides. When you are feeling stressed or uncertain about things, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Often times we can read things as being personal, when they are not intended to be.


Like any pregnancy, a surrogacy journey can often produce some complicated emotions from both surrogates and IPs. Making sure that you are honest and open about how you are feeling is something that is important during the relationship. It will help build up mutual trust and respect. If you are feeling nervous or upset about something, be open. Addressing any questions or concerns you may have as soon as possible is also important to keeping your relationship healthy.

You are always welcome to discuss your feelings with your team at ISC first if you’d feel more comfortable.

Respecting Boundaries

This is an incredibly important part of the process. It is important for the intended parents to respect that the surrogate has a busy and full life. And the surrogate needs to understand that sometimes intended parents have never experienced a pregnancy or may be nervous to have their child with someone who is a stranger. Setting and understanding these things as well as respecting each other’s lives outside of the surrogacy is a very important part of the process.

Regular Updates

One of the best tips to having great communication is by establishing how often you would like to communicate. While some surrogates and intended parents enjoy having daily communications, some would less frequently. Establishing your expectations in the beginning of the relationship will help to improve everyone’s sense of trust and expectations. Everyone will feel better if they know what to expect and feel like they are involved in what is going on in the process.

Sharing photos

Like all expecting parents, the intended parents will be awaiting their arrival with excitement. Many times they are hoping to document the pregnancy so their child can appreciate their history and how they came to be. Sharing photos is a great way to help document this not just for the intended parents, but also for the child when they are older.

Sending cards and letters

In a modern world of lightning fast communication, it can be very easy to forget the beauty of a card in the mail. Sometimes an encouraging or funny card can help turn someone’s day around. This goes both ways as it will continue to create a loving history for the baby when they are older.

Establish preferred methods of communication

Everyone responds to differ types of communications. Establishing what everyone is comfortable with upfront will help during the process. Some people may prefer being updated through text. Others may prefer an email to help in preserving the documentation of the pregnancy. Figure out what works best for everyone and what everyone is comfortable with in the beginning to help your relationship proceed smoothly.

Allow time for the bond to happen

When you talk to surrogates and intended parents they almost always talk about the bond that is formed between each other. It is considered one of the things that makes a surrogacy unique. But as with all bonds, it can take time to form. Don’t worry if you don’t feel this at first. It takes time to get to know people and there is often so much going on with the surrogacy that this is a normal process. Ask open questions to get to know each other as a person and that will help you feel closer to each other.